Sardonicus is a simile-finder that knows the exemplary properties of different objects in the real world. It has acquired this knowledge by sifting the contents of the web in search of meaningful comparisons. It knows that ninjas are stealthy and that bowling balls are heavy and smooth enough to be called bald. It also has a healthy sense of irony, so it knows that roller-coasters are not exactly a model of consistency, and that turtles are not generally prized for their speed. The similes in Sardonicus are divided into straight-faced "factual" similes and tongue-in-cheek "ironic" similes, and are organized hierarchically using a taxonomy of adjectives. Try it now, it might put an ironic smile on your face.